Attachment Styles In The Couple
Attachment in relationships can turn into a real problem if we are unable to manage it or if we have experienced poor emotional bonds in childhood. In this article we will discuss the different attachment styles in the couple.
Establishing healthy emotional bonds is the ideal condition for the well-being of the couple, favoring important aspects such as honesty, communication and autonomy, in order to promote the full realization of both partners.
However, it doesn’t always work that way, but rather we tend to follow anxious or avoidant type attachment styles. Why does this happen? For Dr. John Bowlby, who specializes in psychiatry and psychoanalysis, the emotional bond is a primary need that affects relationships in adulthood. Let’s see in the next lines what are the various attachment styles in the couple .
Attachment styles in the couple: how they arise
Let’s start by giving a definition of attachment: “A bond (or emotional bond) that is established between two people as a result of an interaction and that leads them to maintain a contact of proximity in the pursuit of a certain safety, comfort and protection”.
Those who feel attachment, generally, find in the other the emotional comfort they need in certain situations perceived as a potential threat. In this sense, attachment in couples constitutes the foundation or space in which one feels protected.
All of this originates in the attachments we develop in childhood towards people we consider important to our psychological or physical well-being. According to Bowlby’s theory, if the bond between the child and the mother (or other figure of reference) is appropriate, so will the attachment.
On the contrary, if the child perceives a possible threat or the risk of the loss of this reference figure or develops an insecurity in attachment relationships, then anguish will appear. This will affect her relationships in adulthood, as attachment and relationship patterns with other people are formed in early childhood.
Attachment styles in the couple
Some research confirms that depending on the bond established with parents during childhood, as many attachment styles can develop in adulthood. For example:
- Secure attachment. It is possible to feel sorry for a breakup, but when you are with the person who conveys confidence again, you have a positive response.
- Anxious-ambivalent attachment. It occurs when you respond with anxiety to a separation, and even in the presence of that person, the anxiety does not subside or calm returns.
- Avoidant attachment. When anxiety levels are low and disinterest is shown when reconnecting with the person who gives security.
If we want to end a relationship in which we feel we have an unhealthy attachment, we will have to follow some steps.
How to avoid attachment in the couple
If you feel you can’t live without your partner and need to call them thousands of times a day, your attachment pattern may not be the most desirable, especially for your mental health. It is evident that attachment of the anxious type causes discomfort. If, on the other hand, your attachment is avoidant, you may even hurt the other.
Tips for overcoming attachment
- Don’t be afraid to be alone. Because basically you never are; there are always loved ones, including friends and family, who represent the main support network in times of sentimental crisis. Even if in these cases we think that the world has collapsed on us, it is not at all true. Life goes on, always.
- Set yourself challenges. Think of all the energy spent behind that person, when you could invest it in your personal projects and grow in many areas of your life.
- Put yourself first in your life. Remember that others come after you. First of all, you have to love yourself. There are several techniques to strengthen self-esteem. When you have strong self-esteem, you can pursue your dreams with more strength.
- The partner is not an extension of us. Each forms a world of its own and has its own independence.
- You don’t need to be “completed”. We form couples to feel well-being and offer mutual support, but the idea of the partner as a person who completes us is just a romantic myth. We are already complete.
- Listen to yourselves well. And you will notice that perhaps you don’t even feel love for that person, just a need. To be happy, it is not necessary to be with someone.
Follow these tips and try to understand where happiness or well-being really resides for you, because, perhaps, they are not in a couple relationship, as you have believed up to now.
Where is true happiness found?
Happiness resides in us. Do not look outside for what is already within you. Break the routine and start living a life that allows you to grow.
Nowadays there are various methods to achieve well-being. If you think you can’t be alone, consider getting help from a psychologist. Keep calm, because everything will turn out for the best in your lives.
